Why do Women Get Accustomed to Abuse?

Updated: Mar 20

Emotional and Mental harrasment is also a form of abuse. Pic Credt: pexel.com
Emotional and Mental harrasment is also a form of abuse. Pic Credit: pexel.com

I grew up in a liberal family. Boys and girls were raised alike. So, the concept of women getting accustomed to abuse of any kinds - physical, emotional, verbal, economical, and mental raised many questions in my mind.


As a woman myself, I now understand how sometimes women find it hard to stand up for their rights and dignity. There are many reasons to keep their mouth shut and take life as it comes. The prominent being that their own family refuses to back them up.


We live in an era that has seen the boom of technology like never before. And yet, people continue to live their life on the notions set by their ancestors.


I feel that's not fair!


The biggest question however is Why? ... Why do women get accustomed to abuse?


According to an article that appeared in The Hindu last year (June 24) "About 86% of women who experienced violence never sought help, and 77% of the victims did not even mention the incident(s) to anyone".

Most women do not share about their abusive partner with anyone. But it is advisable to seek help.
Most women do not share about their abusive partner with anyone. But it is advisable to seek help.

Don't you find that alarming? It is indeed! And when a loved one, a friend, a neighbour, a colleague or someone you know goes through the abuse you realize the pain is real. They are helpless and you are clueless.


Stating the plight of many women amongst us is my poem 'Abuse' that I wrote sometime back. It shows how a woman's own family, friends and loved ones push her to stay in an abusive relationship. This poem is a reflection of our society's mindset. And these women who show her the way to deal with her situation are the ones who either didn't have the courage to stand up for themselves or made peace with their situation.


But why and how did they get accustomed to abuse? Because they were taught so by their mother, elder sisters or friends. And that is what they passed on to her.


--------------------------------------------------


Abuse


'He used words

That was rude

And demeaning.

He made you feel

Like a doormat.

He yelled

and swore on you.

But ya, he didn't hit you,

Push you

Nor he threw things at you.

All men do it.

It's just a phase of life.

You stay calm

And support him.

You will see him change'.

My mother advised me.

Bcoz she always saw

The charming him

In front of the crowd,

The people,

The relatives,

The neighbours...

That he never was for her daughter.


I thought,

Maybe, she is right.

It's not him.

It's me.

I tried hard

To change me

To keep the peace.

I tried hard

To explain me

Maybe,

It's just me!


'You are overthinking.

He is so good with kids.

And makes sure

To surprise you at times.

Your mountain is just

A mole.

For you are seeing things

From too close.

Just let go

Of the past

And give your marriage

Another shot'.

My sister thought

She was always right.

Bcoz I lose my temper

Soon

So, I may be the cause.


I listened to her.

But alas,

I listened to her

For too long.

I kept thinking

Maybe,

She was right

And I was wrong.

Maybe,

I was the cause!


'Hey, don't go overboard.

It's just the ups and downs

Of a married zone.

Get used to it.

Emotional and mental,

It's just a minds state.

Look at me,

I have gotten used to it.

He taunts me,

And I reciprocate

With the same.

Then we laugh

And let it pass.

Words do hurt sometimes.

But, so what

They are just words.

You can also be mean

You know,

At times.

Just play like a pro.

You will get used to it

You know.'

My friend talked about

How marriages

Are not meant to be perfect.


And I still thought

Maybe,

Everyone's right.

Maybe,

It's just me!


'But words are brutal.

Brutal than weapons...'

I retaliated.


You will get used to it.

Said all the voices

That had made a place

In my head.


So, you say

My emotional health

And my

Mental wellbeing

Are not that important.

All I should be

Concerned

Is that

He hasn't tormented me

Physically yet.

And till then

I shouldn't call

'It' abuse...


Dear women

In my life,

I don't know

How you got used to

The abuse

Of words,

Of emotions,

Of mind...

How,

you kept weeping

And let yourself

Get used to this

Form of harm.

But I refuse

To any further abuse.

Be it verbal,

Emotional, mental

Or psychological.

I will not wait

That long

For him to be physical

To tear me apart.


Today,

Here and now

I take a stand

And say 'NO'

To all forms of abuse.

I stand up

For myself.

Maybe,

I stand up alone...

Maybe,

You won't have my back now...

But I refuse

To be laid down

To crap

And let

My life

Just pass by!


---------------------------------------------


How many of you can relate to the above-written poem? I am sure most of us have got the same advice from our elders to keep adjusting in a marriage alliance.


I don't deny a little compromise is required to work any relationship. But relationships are a two-way street. And it takes years of love, care, respect, patience, understanding, and adjustment to build a strong foundation between two people. Disagreements are natural. But both individuals should be deemed equal and should have the liberty to express themselves freely without being abused in any way.


If marriage is all about violence, abuse and breaking someone down then it is time to change the tradition. Let your daughter be your pride and not a commodity to get rid of by marrying her to someone unworthy. If staying single or divorced keeps you alive...Stay Alive!


Abuse is ugly. It leaves unhealed scars for life. Don't learn to make peace with your situation when the need is to take action.