I Don't Know How to Stop Yelling at My Kids—Because I Don’t Know How Else to Parent

“I don’t want to yell at my kids. But most days, I do. And it’s not always about them-sometimes, it's just me, falling apart in the middle of everything together.” Sounds familiar?

Are we always yelling because we’re angry at our kids? Or are we yelling because we’re angry?

When Yelling Becomes a Habit

As a mother, finding time for the things we love is always a struggle. For me, it’s reading. I devoured novels as a teenager — sometimes finishing one in a day. So now, when I see my kids glued to books from morning till bedtime, even sneaking flashlights under blankets to keep reading, I yell at them to go to sleep… but deep down, I feel something else.

I feel envious. I miss that version of me who could escape into stories. And I realize — I’m yelling, but not for the reasons I think.

Relevance? Stay with me.

It’s Not Our Fault - But It Is Our Responsibility

The last book I read was "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” by Lori Gottlieb. I won’t bore you with the details, but a chapter, named "Mothers,” hit me hard, so I had to reread it. It discussed reacting to our children’s meltdowns, tantrums, or behaviour in general. 

Think back to our childhoods. Our parents were strict. There were rules and obedience-based discipline—yelling, scolding, or even spanking. Every generation puts the onus on its previous generation to justify its actions. Honestly, it's not our parents' fault—they were raised that way, with too little to no emotional bonding or the freedom to speak their minds. They were being raised to obey and follow, no question. 

We may take pride in ourselves for being progressive, modern parents, but the truth is that when we’re overwhelmed, when our emotional bandwidth is low, we often revert to what we know: yelling. 

While We Figure Out How to Stop Yelling at Our Kids - It’s Not About the Kids (Most of the Time)

Imagine coming home to a messy house, a pile of dishes, and your teenager lazing around with Netflix instead of revising for finals. Now, what would be your first reaction? Be it “you” or “me”, we will surely yell without being reasonable.

Or let’s say, your child is avoiding school. The exams are approaching, and they are adamant. Every time you try to talk, it ends in an argument with the doors slamming behind you. They won’t listen to or speak with you to reach an amicable solution. What’s your reaction after waiting patiently for days to get them on the table to talk? We “yell”.

We know they only listen to us when we yell. That’s how sadly and dangerously our brains have been wired through our upbringing. We were in our kids' position once. We have seen our parents yell at us and our siblings to get things done. And when we had kids, at some point, we subconsciously tuned in to turn into our parents, without questioning or doubting our abilities as parents.

But let’s be honest. Are we always yelling because we’re angry at our kids? Or are we yelling because we’re angry?

The Hidden Enemy: Displacement

Lori Gottlieb discusses a psychological defence mechanism called displacement. It's when we shift our anger from its real source onto a “safer” target. For example, a woman who feels angry at her sister after a phone conversation might displace that anger onto her child. Or a child who is being bullied at school and doesn’t know how to express it in words may lash out at their parents. 

It’s not intentional. It’s human. But it’s dangerous.

As adults, it’s our responsibility to keep our frustration, anxiety, and unacceptable impulses in check.

When we are angry at our kids, we may say some mean and nasty things to them. Words once said cannot be undone. 

We yell not just because our child was disobedient. We yell because we feel unseen, unsupported, exhausted, or powerless in other parts of our lives. And our children — the ones we love most — become our punching bags. That’s what wrecks us with guilt afterward.

Words Leave Scars - and Guilt Isn’t the Cure

Here’s the hardest truth: Words once said can’t be unsaid. Even if our child forgets the specific fight, they remember how it felt. And guilt? It doesn’t undo the damage, especially if we repeat the cycle the next day.

The loop is real:

• We yell.

• We cry.

• We promise to be better.

• Life happens.

• We yell again.

Our kids need safety, emotional acceptance, love, and consistency.

What Our Kids Really Want From Us

When we were young, we asked: Why don’t my parents understand me?

Now, as parents, we ask: How do I become the kind of parent I never had?

The answer isn't perfection. Our kids aren't looking for flawless role models. They’re looking for safety, consistency, and emotional acceptance. They need to know that even when they mess up, we won’t become monsters and that our love isn’t conditional on their performance.

Most people don’t understand that we launch our anger at the wrong target. 

The Turning Point - My Son’s Truth Bomb

One morning, after a particularly chaotic start to the day—yelling at both my kids for something I don’t even remember now—my son, who was eleven then, looked me straight in the eye and said, “You were not angry at us. You were angry at the house-help for coming late. You just yelled at us because we are kids.” 

That broke me.

The guilt settled like a rock in my stomach. He was right, and it hurt even more because he said it with such calm clarity.

That moment changed me. It didn’t “fix” me, but it opened my eyes to something I had never questioned before: I don’t want to parent the old-school style.

Now was the time to change my narrative. Rather than thinking that was exactly how I was raised, I changed my parenting style. Believe me, it wasn’t an easy journey. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done as a mom.

Unlearn everything I thought was “normal”.

It's not easy. I slip up. I yell. But now I pause. I apologize. I check in with myself before I project onto them. I try not to be perfect but to be conscious.

Here are a few things that help me on this journey:

• Taking 5 deep breaths before reacting. (Even if I still yell after — at least I’m aware.)

• Naming the emotion out loud: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now.”

• Repairing after rupture: “I’m sorry I yelled. It wasn’t about you.”

• Asking myself: “Am I yelling because of them, or because of me?”

"Our kids aren't looking for perfection - they're looking for connection."

A Gentle Reminder, Mommies…

If you’re thinking that yelling makes you a bad mother. You are not alone. Many of us mothers, especially the single mothers, beat ourselves for not doing our best.

“Darling! You are just a human mom, not a bad mom.” And the fact that you care enough to ask “How do I stop?” means you are already doing better.

So, here’s a mantra for you:

Yes, I yell too much. But I’m learning. And every day, I yell a little less and listen a little more.

Have you found yourself yelling when it wasn’t really about the kids? What helps you pause or reconnect? Share your story in the comments — we’re in this together.