Spiritual Gaslighting: When People Try To Silence Your Pain With Higher Wisdom Tactic

What happens when the love-bombing stage of a lovey-dovey relationship transfers into a cycle of manipulation and control? It begins a loop of abuse that seems hard to break from. Even if you succeed, the abuser makes it their life goal to punish their victim for calling them out, for walking out on them, for daring to stand up. And if the abuser has narcissistic tendencies, they won’t shy away from running a smear campaign against their victim to gain sympathy and control.

Three years after walking out on my abuser, once I had learned to deal with my trauma and pain, I decided to help women who were going through similar struggles. Recently, I sat with a friend who had just left an abusive relationship. Her voice trembled as she shared her story. When she confided in someone she trusted, hoping for comfort, they told her:

“Maybe this was your karma. Maybe your soul chose this experience to grow. If you leave this situation, you might have to go through the same experience again as you haven’t learned your lesson - to compromise and sacrifice for others.”

She broke down.

Instead of receiving compassion, she was handed a spiritual explanation that made her doubt herself even more. That’s a form of spiritual gaslighting, and it’s more common than we think.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse and emotional manipulation that causes the victim to doubt their sanity, instincts, and perception of reality. It’s not always done with consciously harmful intentions, but the impact is almost always harmful. Victims are left confused, silenced, and questioning their own truth.

Spirituality, when it’s real, makes space for the full spectrum of human experience, including grief, anger, joy, heartbreak. It doesn’t invalidate your feelings.

Different Forms of Gaslighting

Intentional Gaslighting

When a partner cheats, then denies it and makes you feel paranoid for even suspecting it, that’s intentional gaslighting. It is malicious as the truth is deliberately twisted to gain power, control or escape accountability.

Unconscious Gaslighting

When a parent neglects their child’s emotional needs but insists “You had the best childhood, stop exaggerating”; that’s unconscious gaslighting. It often happens because facing the truth feels too threatening for them.

Cultural Gaslighting

Telling women, “You’re too sensitive” when they call out sexism, or telling trauma survivors to “just get over it.” This is cultural or collective gaslighting where society denies or dismiss lived experiences.

What Exactly Is Spiritual Gaslighting?

Not many women are, but I was fortunate to get out of an abusive marriage after 15 years of suffering. Healing is a slow and continuous process. Some days you feel you progress, while other days you have that sinking feeling. Yesterday was one such day when I was glowing at my lowest. So, I decided to watch a spiritual gyaan podcast to help me out of the situation. It’s like a pep talk but from a stranger.

Much of what the coach said resonated, but parts of her message felt harder to digest. My mind wouldn’t rest until I found a word for what I’d just experienced. Google gave me the term I was unconsciously searching for: Spiritual Gaslighting.

The coach claimed that according to her guru’s teachings, all suffering is chosen. That we make “soul contracts” with others to help us rise higher on our karmic path. Even victims of murder, abuse, or rape, she said, had consciously chosen that suffering for their growth.

Really? I thought.

By now, my confusion had scaled 10 times. On one hand, we’re told God loves us, that He would never hurt His children. On the other hand, this same God supposedly lets us sign unreadable “soul contracts” filled with suffering, as if pain were the fine print of spiritual progress. What kind of God is that?

How Spiritual Gaslighting Sounds

Has someone ever invalidated your pain and sufferings by saying: 

• Everything happens for a reason, you should be grateful.

• Your pain is just your ego clinging.

• You attracted this negativity because you signed a soul contract with your abuser to go through this pain to rise closer to God.

• If your thoughts were positive, this wouldn’t bother you.

Such statements use divine truths or spiritual language to dismiss, minimize, or justify someone’s pain.

Why Is Spiritual Gaslighting Harmful?

The idea of “soul contracts” may sound mystical, but it often serves as an escape from accountability. It shifts the blame to the victim’s soul while absolving the abuser.

Think about it: do you really believe your soul chose a spouse who would burn you for dowry, and that spiritual gurus would applaud your “ascension” through suffering? That logic means every abuse survivor was the root cause of their own suffering, while every abuser was just “fulfilling a contract.”

This isn’t spirituality. It is toxic positivity disguised as wisdom. It doesn't heal. It silence the victims' pain.

The Difference Between Wisdom and Bypassing

Spirituality, when it’s real, makes space for the full spectrum of human experience: including grief, anger, joy, heartbreak. It doesn’t rush to erase them.

Wisdom says: “This is hard. I see your pain. You’re not alone.”

Gaslighting says: “This was your choice. Stop being negative.”

The difference is night and day. One heals. The other wounds.

Reclaiming Your Power By Understanding Spiritual Gaslighting

If you’ve ever been spiritually gaslighted, here’s the truth: your pain is valid. Your voice matters. Your reality is real.

Here are ways to stand strong when faced with dismissive “spiritual truths”:

1. Trust your feelings. If a “teaching” makes you feel small, silenced, or guilty for hurting — that’s not wisdom. Learn to accept your feelings and trust your instincts. When your gut says “something’s off!” … something’s off. Period. 

2. Separate wisdom from weaponization. Spiritual insights should expand your freedom, not shrink it. Any thing that minimizes your suffering or makes you feel small should be the first to be ticked off your “healing list.”

3. Set boundaries. Do not allow others to dictate how you feel about your pain. You don’t owe your healing to people who dismiss your experience. If they are not helping, quietly but sternly cut the chords.

4. Redefine growth. Growth doesn’t come from tolerating abuse; it comes from honoring yourself enough to walk away, speak up, or demand better.

Spirituality is meant to liberate, not chain us. If someone uses “divine” words to keep you quiet, recognize it for what it is: spiritual gaslighting.

Don’t let anyone tell you your suffering is your fault, or that you “chose” your pain. You didn’t choose betrayal, abuse, or cruelty. But you can choose what to do with your story now.

And maybe, that’s the real awakening.